It has been well over 365 days since I said hello face to face with the little person we nicknamed *Raspberry* (we now call him by his new nickname him Magoo), as that’s the size he was (although we didn’t know that he was a he) when we gave him the name! For me, it was an amazing experience to carry and grow another human being inside of me. As a woman, I think it is an amazing gift to be able to bond with your baby for 10 months before they’re born. I relished and enjoyed being pregnant because for the first time in my life, my body was something to be celebrated, nurtured and to be in awe of. It was me that was growing our little baby and I could feel him moving and waving his little hands. It was also wonderful not to have to hold my belly in for once and be able to proudly say “Yes! I am pregnant!” lol
People always asked me if I knew whether we were having a boy or a girl. All along, I felt that I was having a boy….I kept asking him “Are you a boy or a girl?” I would hear a cheeky laugh and the words “Boy mummy, I’m a boy!” So when I first laid eyes on him, I felt like I’d known him forever. My wise friend said that even though she hadn’t met her little baby yet, when she saw her she thought “Oh, Hello friend!” and knew instantly that she could pick her out of a line up even without having met her before. It is a familiarity that I’ve never experienced before and for me it was a soul recognition.
I’m still shocked at how quickly 365 days can go by. I still feel like I’m a ‘New’ mother most days, just finding her way. Motherhood is like having a really important and demanding job but being job rotated every month or so and not really knowing when you’re going to have to completely change what you’re doing! For someone like me who finds comfort in routine and ‘sameness’ keeping up with an ever changing human being has been a huge and important lesson in making peace with not getting it ‘right’ (whatever that even means) all the time.
I’ve realised that Magoo just needs his LJ mama. It’s so ridiculously simple and yet I had forgotten that all he really needs is to know that he is safe and loved by me. It isn’t the ‘I’ve planned for everything nappy bag’ that makes Magoo feel safe but the fact that I am near him, standing next to him, walking this journey with him and what an amazing and precious gift that is! Don’t get me wrong, there are some days where I don’t feel like I’m walking next to him but rather I’m being dragged along by the bootstraps by him, haha.
The Big ONE
When Magoo turned one, I emotionally and mentally handed over his birthday to him as the day we celebrate his awesomeness. Up until now it had been my birth story day and more about what I went through (his birth story might have to be for another post)! We threw him a little Rainbow themed party and gathered our friends and family around us to say ‘thank you’!
*Thank you for collectively getting us through this year.
*Thank you mama friends for all those Facebook messages and emails at 2am when I had no idea if his mustard coloured poop was normal or if I should be hightailing it to the hospital!
*Most of all thank you for all the emotional support. You see, the truth is, that it can take a while to find your feet as a new mama and even then the road isn’t always a smooth one. It really does take a village to raise a child and nowadays that village might just be via the internet! So be it!
*The final thank you was to our little Magoo for choosing us as parents and for injecting so much joy and laughter in to our lives. It is mind blowing how someone so small can have such a huge heart.
When you’re in the thick of it, it’s easy to forget how precious they are and how you don’t get to repeat that day. I think that’s partly why I took a photo a day of him. I knew the first year would fly by in the blink of an eye and although I wanted to be present with him each day, inevitably a haze of sleep deprivation would mean that there were some days that I just about got through. These 365 photos remind me of how much he changed and how much fun we had and they’ve helped me cement so many moments in my mind. Hopefully one day when Magoo is older, he can look through his 365 book and smile too.
So 365 days (this post is a tad late so it’s been way more than that now) of Magoo have showed me what love is…….thank you baby for busting my heart chakra wide open!!!!
photography by the awesome Sayher Heffernan