Comments 5

Sweet Robin

I found myself crying the other day as I watched a heartfelt tribute by Billy Crystal to the late Robin Williams. So, why was I sat there crying over the loss of someone I didn’t personally know and whose films and comedy shows I’d only really ever watched if they happened to be on the TV (it’s not like I was an out and out fan or anything)? I’ve spent the last few days pondering this and I think I have an answer of sorts…..

Perhaps, as human beings, we instinctively want to belong (not only for evolutionary safety purposes) because somewhere deep down inside our souls we all feel this longing to be connected. Indeed, it is MY belief that we ARE all connected on an energetic level (reiki has demonstrated that to me in abundance) but this doesn’t mean that one necessarily *feels* connected.

2014-07-11 11.29.44

Understanding that we are all part of this *oneness* (for want of a better word) is vastly different from feeling like we actually ARE part of it. In fact, I know many people who do or have felt alone, isolated and disconnected (myself included at one point). Sometimes it seems that part of our very fabric as beings is this *ego* which demands that we be separate, individual and apart from others; this individualism, this need to compete, compare, judge, extol our own virtues, seems such an overwhelming driving force of human nature that it can be incredibly hard to keep the faith in this oneness.

But, there are some things that I feel are *universal connectors*….music and humour and therein lies the root of my sadness. Robin Williams was a giver of laughter who used his gifts to lead us towards oneness, even if it was for the briefest of moments during a show or a movie. His brand of comedy was unique, generally universally appealing and joyous like the joy of a child and we could all get on board with that…..we could put aside our differences to join in the laughter together in oneness.

Perhaps on a universal consciousness level we all sense that we have lost a great soul who was a well spring of unity….he gave us a taste and a glimpse of what it’s like to all be in the flow together? On a personal level, I also feel desperately sad that we lost him to depression and the lack of understanding with regard to this illness that still seems so pervasive in our society, so I wanted to write a bit about that too.

The word *depression* has been hijacked into everyday speak for *feeling a bit down*, but Depression with a capital *D* isn’t even in the same galaxy. From my own experience, it is a slow, creeping yet unrelenting slippage into despair, despondence, self loathing and valuelessness, where one’s world shrinks incrementally smaller each day until thoughts of suicide become a regular visitor to one’s mind. For those that might be thinking, *get a grip of yourself*, I can assure you that being a capable, relatively intelligent, articulate, organised, logic-brained human being  makes no discernible difference….in fact, understanding that logically none of it makes any sense, expounds the torturous nature of the illness.

Personally, it has been a long while now since those terrible days and I consider myself extremely lucky because I had (still have should the need ever arise) people willing to be with me in the depths of my Depression despite me isolating myself. I also had access to counselling (a luxury not everyone can afford) and yet there were moments of such darkness that ending it seemed the only viable option. Thinking about suicide and acting upon those impulses is, of course, a very different thing but those thoughts, which for a non-sufferer would be few and very far between, can become a daily Russian roulette for a person suffering Depression.

Let’s not forget that this doesn’t just affect the sufferer but everyone around them and being around someone suffering from Depression can be incredibly frustrating because it taps into one’s own sense of helplessness. One might feel tempted to try to coax the sufferer to focus on the positives in their life, a sort of *look on the bright side* approach but this is, unfortunately, disastrously unhelpful and likely to cause further feelings of worthlessness for not being able to *look on the bright side*…another failing to add to the already long list.  Personally, I found that someone just willing to sit with me helped…I might have been bobbing along lost at sea but having someone right there bobbing along next to me made a difference, I can’t quite articulate how but it did.

Truly I think the first step towards a better understanding of Depression is for those who don’t suffer from it to try to empathise and understand what it must feel like. The Huffington post ran an article earlier this year asking 50 sufferers to describe Depression for those who have never suffered it, here are a few of the responses that hit home for me personally:

  • Depression is losing the desire to partake in life.
  • Like mourning the death of someone you once loved–you. When you look in the mirror you see only dead eyes. There is no spark. No joy. No hope. You wonder how you will manage to exist another day.
  • Depression is waking up wishing you’d died in your sleep.

Be kind to yourselves!

Anna x





  1. Siobhian says

    I love reading your blog entries, Anna.
    I related to what you’ve written here, and it’s refreshing to read your thoughts and honesty.
    Depression is one of those things that people don’t really talk about, and although heartbreaking and sad that he felt he had no other way to deal with his illness(es) his death has made it less taboo(?) to speak about mental health problems. I’ve seen countless Facebook posts with advice, and links to charities like Mind and The Samaritans which is great.

    • Thanks for your support hon. Yes I think you’re right that people are speaking about mental health more these days and hopefully our new generation of kids will grow up in a place where it’s not taboo to talk about these things (^_^). xxx

  2. Hello Anna

    I’ve been, admittedly, somewhat obsessed about this subject not because I was a devoted fan and not because I struggle (much) with depression. However, I have just recovered from two devastating weeks mourning a man who have I never met except through his films, and even then, the last time I watched anything of his was fifteen years ago.

    How is that possible that I should grieve so deeply and for so long?

    So, I’ve been searching daily for someone who thinks the same. And here you are.

    I wrote a blog post called “In Free Fall” where I speak of Robin as a connector and through him we are all connected. Here’s a snippet:

    *But I’m not talking about being connected to him as a friend, a family member, a colleague or even as a fan. I’m talking about being connected to him via his ability, through his art, his work, his humanity, to tap into some field of energy, some magnetism.

    Or maybe it’s called love.

    I think of him as a conduit between the universe and the rest of us. He was the pathway along which love was transmitted. Can you imagine being a conductor of such a super-charged energy? Can you imagine the burden he must have endured, the exhaustion?

    Now the flow of energy is interrupted. The hub has been cut away. All that remains is a gaping, dark wound. The rest of the web has been in free fall, without a center, cut off from the source. We plummet toward the same dark abyss, fascinated, terrified.

    This is us, reverberating to the waves of grief that have been cycling the globe. This is us, recovering from the free fall, slowly, and tenderly, we move to settle and and re-establish our connection to the source.*

    • Hi Maggie, Sorry my reply is late I was away. Thank you for your beautiful comment and for connecting through the blog. Yes, I agree he was a truly wonderful gift from the universe; he made it SO easy for all of us to feel so connected to one another and the source and that must have been both an amazing experience for him and also a very great responsibility…bless his sweet soul. When a great light goes out, it’s so very easy to feel that all that is left is darkness but this is when I personally find it helpful to remind myself that we are all still very much connected to the source. What Robin did was hold a mirror up to remind us of this fact through his amazing talent…he didn’t create the connection itself he reminded us of it (^_^) and that gift is something he has left behind with us through his amazing legacy. Big love to you Anna xx

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