I’ve spent much of my life hunkering down in my Yang (masculine) energy because it felt safer than being in my Yin (feminine), which felt too vulnerable and scary. In fact, I suspect this fear of Yin has followed me through from past lives and my mother even thought I might be a boy when I was as yet unborn (but that is another story). Over the years my Yang-ness has received a fair bit of external validation, particularly as our society tends to applaud, favour (if not worship) Yang qualities: activity, speed, efficiency, youth, physical strength, power. Might it be that society itself is out of balance?
Anyway back to my tale….I’ve often listened to other women talking about “being in their goddess energy” and felt like I was peering in to a cool club I’d never be part of, because I just didn’t *have* this elusive goddess energy. I had visions of Botticelli’s “birth of Venus” emerging in all her naked, womanly glory out of the waters and felt like I was as far away from this *goddess* as I could possibly get. It all felt like such a mystery and something I would never get to grips with.
In all honesty, for the most part, being in my Yang energy didn’t initially feel like it has hindered me all that much. It has meant I can approach most things in a logical, practical manner, get stuff done, solve issues and trouble shoot, move mountains if necessary and manifest things efficiently through sheer force of will and stubborn persistence. That was until we decided we wanted to start a family; suddenly here is something I can’t will my way through. Something I can’t *make* happen by sheer, stubborn will power and shoulder to the grindstone. Instead, I found myself face to face with a glaring imbalance in my being and the fact that I’d done little to redress that. Suddenly I realised I needed to embrace everything I had thus far neglected, namely all that it means to be in one’s Yin energy: nourishing myself on a physical, mental, and spiritual level, learning to receive and *be* rather than *do* in order to harbour the life-giving and preserving creative qualities of Yin.
For a long time I felt very broken and angry with myself, beating myself up for not having nurtured myself more, for treating my body like the enemy when I should have been thanking it for doing it’s absolute best under difficult circumstances and in spite of what little nourishment and love I gave it. After these raw emotions started to subside, I realised this anger reaction in itself was all very Yang and started to ask myself,
“What would I say if I, Anna, were one of my dearest, beloved friends? What would I feel that Anna deserved and how would I comfort her and show her my love?”
Asking these questions gave me the opportunity to see myself through the loving eyes of a friend and to finally remove the harsh filter through which I had always viewed myself. For the first time, I caught a glimpse of what I needed (this doesn’t mean it was easy to do those things but it’s a start!) because this is what I would naturally, instinctively do for a friend and that was to love, forgive and accept unconditionally and see the perfection in myself as I am right now (no tweaking and no *when I reach such and such a stage/time etc*).
It felt VERY alien and counter intuitive at first, my natural default setting was very much Yang and I felt I had such a huge journey ahead, but I started introducing some really simple rituals and practices into my life and started to feel different. I thought I’d share some of these simple rituals and practices here, they might sound a bit silly and there’s a bit of *fake it until you make it* but they work for me:
- I talk to myself in the mirror each day, I say things like “I love you Anna” or “You are enough just as you are” even when it doesn’t feel like I really mean it. I also recently discovered the Ho’oponopono which I now say to myself regularly and it sometimes still brings me to tears:
i love you, i’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you
- I spritz myself with *goddess spray* (flower essence and crystal spray) at the start of each day to honour the goddess within me (even when I don’t feel like there is one).
- I try to mindfully take time each day to do at least one thing to nourish myself on some level. Sometimes it’s as simple as moisturising my skin after a shower or tuning in and asking my body what it needs nutritionally to feel nourished.
- I allow myself time to be creative, to make things with my hands, write or paint, I make time to tap into the energy of creativity and give life to things that bring me joy.
- I choose to dress in a way that makes me, personally, feel a little more goddess-like (this is the fake it until you make it bit).
I’ve been doing more complex things too, like working with an excellent Kinesiologist to release/remove/clear any energetic blockages that might be making me fearful of embracing my full feminine power and motherhood. I’m working with an excellent Chinese Medicine practitioner to support and nurture my Yin and bring my Yang back in to balance, so that I can flow and function in harmony.
I’m still a work in progress, I don’t have all the answers and doubt I ever will, but I wanted to share what I’ve learnt because I can see and sense changes in myself, my energy, my countenance and others have noticed too and perhaps my experience will resonate with someone else.