For as long as I can remember I’ve walked with a deep well of sadness in my soul, a feeling of being separated, isolated and disconnected, a feeling that has, at times, made my heart physically ache with longing but for what/whom or where I have no idea. Of course, like most of us, there have been events in my life to which I can connect a certain amount of grief, sadness, feelings of loss, but none that would really explain this deep deep sense of bereftness, the sort that tears gut wrenching sobs from ones body and leaves you in a messy pile on the floor.
I suppose one could perhaps label this as some sort of predisposition to depression, but something inside of me told me this wasn’t so. I have suffered from depression in the past, but this is something different and until very recently I didn’t know what, so I just walked with it like a mandatory companion that I didn’t particularly like but had been lumbered with anyway. Then I had my *awakening* moment as I have decided to refer to it.
I realised that I had, at some long forgotten time, told myself that I am separate from the whole, no longer one with the universe and therefore alone, fated, as a soul, to walk this journey alone always (I know, I know very dramatic). I’d told myself that life must be hard for my soul to evolve and that only things which took much effort were worthy of my time…effortless just wasn’t allowed. Then I realised I was mistaken…in fact, I realised these beliefs that I’d somehow managed to lodge in my subconscious were (excuse the phrase) *utter bollocks* and that things didn’t have to be that way at all!
It was a moment of *enlightenment* for want of a better word. A bit like seeing the matrix and realising that my reality, including this deep sadness, was just a construct of my own mind and having told it that these beliefs about life, my journey, my existence, were true when, in fact, they are not true at all.
So what does this mean? It means FREEDOM from the sadness, from feeling alone and from feeling like life must be hard work. All this has been replaced with two new beliefs that I know and feel everyday:
- We are all one, I am never alone.
- Life flows with effortless ease.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve spent much of my life as a creature of the left brain….all about the logic and thinking my way through life rather than feeling, but I’ve come to realise that it’s everything else which is important….all that good stuff that lives over in your right brain, alongside your creativity, intuition, knowingness etc. It’s been a scary process to let go of the logic brain Anna and dive headlong into the other side that requires me to trust, feel and know rather than research, think and wonder. It’s like shedding a skin, but each day that passes I feel more and more comfortable being the true essence of me (^_^)
It can be scary to stand in your power and be your true self publicly, but I feel like it’s part of my purpose here on this rock to share what I’ve learnt. I’ll admit, I haven’t been able to put the “researcher” Anna to rest completely and have gone searching for reading material/articles/books etc which align with how I feel. In my searching I discovered a rather wonderful website called *Collective Evolution* and particularly one free e-book on there called “How To Change The World” by Elina St-Onge….it’s 106 pages long but well worth the read in my view (^_^)
I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I feel a HUGE sense of relief, which has lead to finally feeling like I know why I’m here and my purpose (something which I always struggled with). As a result, LJ and I have started working on some exciting projects together for recently (finally) but more on that another time (^_-)
I’ll sign off with a snippet from a universal wisdom card I pulled for myself which summed it up really:
“The physical body is but a shell that houses our spirit. On a spiritual level, we are always connected to one another. Neither distance nor time can separate that which has been united by love“.
Love and light